The Shadow Land....

There are few men that can walk down the feminine product aisle without keeping eyes straight forward.  I've heard stories of my dad being a proud "feminine product buyer." I didn't inherit this gene. I avoid it because there is never a reason for me to go down there. Its the shadowy land that Mufasa warned Simba to never go near. If I happen to end up in that aisle, I got lost looking for Cheetos. 

As a new dad, your time will come. Saddled with baby at the boob 23/7, mom gives orders and you execute, like the goal oriented soldier that you are. " I'm leaking through my shirt. Can you get me nipple pads." What the hell are nipple pads? I learned that they are like Depends for boobs. My plight begins. I must go to the shadow land. Mufasa is no longer here and I must rule all of the kingdom. 

In my brain, woman+leaking =feminine product. I trudge over to CVS, after having told myself to "man up,"   I stride directly to the back of the store full of courage and pride. I scan the multitude of products. ( how many different products do women need to do the job?)  The more I scan the more I sweat. My pride begins to fade and vision blurs as I am bombarded with "feminine product overload." I hear Whoopie Goldberg's hyena laugh in the distance. Knees weak, afraid a woman would ask me a question and I wouldn't be able to ask for "nipple pads" while keeping a straight face, I power through. After, what seemed like an hour of self imposed scrutiny, I realize that nipple pads aren't there. Quickly I escape and it hits me that they maybe be in the baby aisle. Thank God!!! Mission accomplished.